Two Silent Killers of Romance

How is stress linked to this?

Stress itself is not the issue. Life, as one podcaster once said, needs stress to keep you alive. By definition, stress is resistance of some kind. It is not good or bad. Pushing a cart is stress on the joints, body, you. However, pushing a cart is not labeled as bad.

In the context of this blog, stress is more the word to explain a highly charged negatively associated emotional state. The feeling one gets when a deadline is very pressing and coworkers are messing around in doing “reply-all” messages all day… distracting you… raising your irritation level. That kind of stress is what this blog is talking about.

That moment when your partner changes their mind without telling you and now you feel like you’ve got egg yolk on your face and look bad in public. Or that moment when you thought you had negotiated a deal and you now realized you’re the only one who agreed to the deal and your partner is not on the same page you’re on.

Much like fatigue, when you’re under a lot of pressure, stress, and your mind is not focused on your relationship, things can go wrong fast when you’re presented a challenge/stress from your partner.

Nothing gets more inflammatory than being up against the clock to leave for a major interview, your partner is your ride to the interview, they get a call and are now chatting oblivious of how late you already are, and you hear them agree to ride share with someone to work instead of leaving to drop you off as originally planned. (OK, many more things can be worse, but you get the picture) purely fictional example

The fight or flight system is revved up when you’re stressed. That is not the time for level headed rational discussions. Usually, that’s the time when solutions are far more important. These are the moments when complex love negotiations just won’t make sense.

Your mind can’t focus on the various nuances of love. This is also the point where every little thing gets to be all the more irritating. People will get into massive fights over nothing when provoked during periods of high stress in their lives.

This is often why the question is asked… how can you hurt me so much when you keep saying you love me… people under stress will try to self-preserve and get out of stress. Sadly, that means they lash out at what’s most closely accessible. You, the partner.

Highly stressed people withdraw a lot of love from a relationship. At some point, that love has to be replenished. Without time to replenish, the relationship eventually runs out. And if pressed beyond “E”, the relationship will go bankrupt and the damage may be too much to fix.

Please, don’t try to have deep relationship negotiations when you’re stressed out. Handle the stress first, then when both parties are cool calm and collected, go ahead and negotiate.


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